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Avast!

To keep peace with my mother, I decided that the time had come to throw her a few bones of cooperation and daughterly agreeableness. She wanted me to see her new office at the university and go out to dinner. I wasn't particularly excited about either plan, but it was important to her and I had a little free time, finally, so I agreed.

This turned into a tour of her office, plus a look at another condo (when the first condo deal didn't go through, she didn't take this as a sign and bought another one in the same complex), plus movie night. I struggled to be positive about the condo, for her sake, but, when pressed, admitted that I didn't understand why she was so adamant about inflicting all this stress, financial instability and upheaval on herself (and me) when she was moving from one three bedroom to another right up the street. "It's an investment, and I am being foolish in the short term," she decided. Indeed.

We ate takeout fish and shrimp while watching "American Beauty," which I own on DVD. One of my mother's criteria for choosing films is if it has been nominated for or won an Academy Award. Not a bad thing, but I think she is finding it an unsatisfactory system lately. She chose the film (other choices were "Virgin Suicides," "Amelie," and "Breakfast At Tiffany's," so don't blame me).

It IS a painful movie, but it has some interesting things to say. Visual metaphors within it add another layer of depth that can be appreciated even if the plot leaves you cold. She fixated on the very first scene (repeated later in the film, and clarified), where daughter Jane announces that she hates her dad and he should die, and boyfriend Ricky deadpans "do you want me to kill him?" and Jane says "yes." Mom can't imagine a world where teenagers are so unhappy that they would talk that way unless they were sincerely plotting. Only evil, bad teenagers would ever casually announce that they hate their parents and wish they were dead. Given that lots of evil, bad children ARE killing their parents these days, she can be forgiven for being completely literal. In truth, my friends and I didn't ever say we hated our parents and wished they would die. We expressed our frustrations in other ways. (Incidentally, if you want to understand one facet of my mother's personality, watch how the Catherine character speaks to her daughter and husband with sublime passive-aggression, and how she can be so brittle and perfection-driven.)

It's interesting, the difference in the way a Myers-Briggs F-type watches a "difficult" film for the first time and the way a T-type re-watches the same film. It's about completely selfish, self-absorbed people with stunted emotional and spiritual lives, but it is also about figuring out what makes you feel complete, a search for meaning. On one hand, it's a midlife crisis and a peek into the interior world of an ordinary little man. On the other, it is an allegory about what we value in life.

What I find interesting, besides the use of the colour red in scenes (especially Americna Beauty red roses) and mirrored dialogue and actions are handled by different characters, is how Lester (Kevin Spacey's character) goes through three distinctly different phases, all in the pursuit of meaning and happiness. He tries doing what he's told to do, and sacrificing his personality and joy to fit in, then he tries being a walking ID, finding joy in indulging whims and naughty behaviors and regressive behavior, and finally he comprehends what he really finds important and seems to find a peacefulness in that, and happiness in that. Then he dies. He dies after reaching that state where he discovers peace and happiness and meaning in his life, though, but before he has to take steps to fix things.

The Ricky character has found meaning in atypical beauty, and sees some benevolent intelligence communicating to him directly when he pays attention to moments of beauty in ordinary or ugly things. I understand this, but I suspect that my mom was hung up on his sociopathic affect and the content of what he found interesting.

Another thing to look for should you re-watch the film is the absence of disorder, or pets, or creativity, and how symmetry (especially in the house sets) is significant of deeper problems. The more clean, colourless, symmetrically aligned and perfect a particular house is, the deeper the emotional rot and concealed truths of the occupants run. When Lester starts exploring adolecent impulsivity and assertiveness, the roses on the dinner table vanish. Fame and monetary value and appearances are what's valued. The Angela character has no depth of soul, no problem selling little bits of herself to people who don't give a crap about her, sleeping with near-strangers. All she is is her shell, and her view of herself as "not ordinary".

It's ugly and painful, but that's what makes so much of it sad, and why some of the humor is so black.

She recognizes it is a fine film, though she asked me throughout about the kids "planning to kill" Lester, rather than waiting for more context, though she kept asking me "what band is this?" during every song, and though she found the look inside a horny middle-aged man's brain uncomfortable. As such, I will not be screening "Happiness" (talk about a difficult and bleak film!) for her any time soon. She might implode.

Anyway, given her distress, I put "Amelie" on as a chaser and she promptly fell asleep. Oh well. :)

I didn't want to go on the trip with these kids, but I felt torn between my awareness that I was being too antisocial (as usual) and earning a figurative gold star on my college applications as a useful member of this particular school club. I lived a lot in my head as a teen. My home life was adrift and full of conflicting messages ever since my dad died and my mother started turning into the type-A worrywart she remains to this day. (Theme song: Mel Brooks singing "High Anxiety," accompanied by female crabhat-wearing accordion-squeezing retirees.) I had a lot to think about. One thing I didn't give enough thought to was bonding with my peers. If it happened, I was pleased. As a senior, however, I sensed that it was a bit late in the day to be making bosom buddies with kids who usually couldn't get my first name right.

This was a yearbook field trip, and I honestly remember only about a half dozen things.

1. It was at UGA and we were chauffeured there somehow, probably in a big van or bus. Many of the kids were excited, because they planned to go to UGA if they got accepted. They needn't have worried. My brother went to UGA and was never a studious soul and he managed to get a degree after 5 or 6 years.

2. I was listening to bands that only three of my friends knew about or could pronounce. My traveling companions brought three cassettes with them: Billy Joel, Jackson Browne, and one I have blanked out. Probably the Eagles or Jimmy Buffet or Elton John. The sad thing is that these artists were equally popular with their parents, which is because these musicians were already having successful careers twenty years earlier. If you do the math, and assume an unlimited amount of battery power + tapes that were an average of 45 minutes long + 24 hours in day + a ride that lasted 4,000 years, you can estimate how many times I heard the entire content of each tape. Note also that my traveling companions enjoyed singing along, and not a one could claim fine pipes. Volume and enthusiasm were applied to cover the lack of technique, but it was not a successful attempt.

3. I got WAY too excited over chipmunks. They were everywhere, and I was charmed. My peers thought I was retarded, gooning over striped rodents.

4. We were housed in what was then the second-tallest building I had ever been inside, on the umpteenth floor, and the elevators worked when they felt like it. The building was a giant cinder block. It had no air conditioning. It was approximately 4,000 degrees Fahrenheit. At one point, my hair burst into flames.

5. There were a lot of discussions about parties I had not attended. I had been invited to a few, attended one or two, and had no interest. I recall being more annoyed by the casual impoliteness involved with discussing social events in front of excluded or absent parties like myself than anything. Only years later did it dawn on me that I was supposed to be envious or hurt.

6. I learned absolutely nothing about yearbook stuff.

There were some dramas going on. Girls threatening to pee into the currently disliked girl's shampoo. (I took this as a hint to forgo shampooing my hair, and was thankful my hair was dry and that it was only a three day trip.) Boys describing the only African-American in the high school as being so dark that if he closed his eyes and mouth in a dark room, he'd disappear, thus they all vowed to call him the Cheshire Kevin when they returned to school. Complaints about how someone wanted X type of car or boat, or Y brand of clothing, but their horribly neglectful parents had refused to furnish the desired item. A particularly long discussion about whether grape Bubbalicious gum smelled fantastic or foul. Gripes about sunburns (we all got one), then complaints about peeling skin and blisters, then tanline competitions. Plans to insert as many candid photos of themselves and their friends and secret in-jokes into the yearbook as possible before the typing teacher assigned to mother the troops reigned them in. Some innocent hijinks were plotted, but it was, as it happened, too hot to carry out anything complicated.

I didn't keep a journal then, so I can only remember turning inwards and thinking about chipmunks and developing a permanent hatred for Jackson Browne. I kept wondering why I agreed to go, and why I thought it would be a good idea. Now, don't think I was treated badly. I was, by my own passivity, human wallpaper. Pleasant enough, but not really the most important thing in the room. I worried about the babysitting jobs I had turned down so I could go on this trip in which I (honestly) had no deep interest, and counted all the unearned babysitting dollars I would have made. I regretted not bringing more books to read. I discovered that disc cameras suck ass. I bought my mother some cheap crap with her sorority's Greek letters on them, since mom and dad also went to UGA. I saw the disparity between the Greek housing and the GDI housing, and knew, then and there, UGA would not be on my list of colleges I applied to. I never had dreams of being in a sorority.

But...WHY don't I remember more?



There's a nest of idea nuggets I'm intrigued enough about to inspire me to Google around in hope that I will tie some things together and it will all click, and then it will either be an old idea I can learn more about, or a new idea I can think more about and see where it goes.

Naptime now, though.

.

Friday, August 25th, 2006
2:11 am    
Project Meatway
Tim Gunn: Good evening, designers! Previously on Project Runway we had you design outfits out of garbage you dug out of the dumpster behind the Safeway. Michael won with his brilliant confection made out of moldy Wonder Bread wrappers, plastic meat trays, plastic shopping bags and Pop*Tart wrappers.

Viewers: Yay, Michael!

Tim: Sadly, Allison failed to appeal to the judges when she wrapped her humoungously fat size-2 model in brown paper grocery bags and twist-ties. Everyone knows that size-2 is zaftig and that brown paper adds forty pounds of fat on camera and makes you look like a Shepherd's Pie. That's Bad! Auf, auf, bad designer.

Viewers: Good-bye, Allison, we hardly knew ye! It's an honour just to be accepted to Project Runway! Who is going to be the inoffensive quiet chick on the show now?

Heidi Klum: Hello, designers! There were fifteen of you and now there are seven! I'm the skinniest pregnant lady that ever existed! Check out these boobs, my top is holding on by sheer force of will and defying gravity. Do you trust my taste when I wear things like this? These are caprants, a new length that looks good on no one except supermodels. Much like the bubbleskirts Angela keeps inflicting on us week after week.

Michael: No fucking rosettes. DAYUM!

Viewers: Amen! And No Basket Hats!

Laura: I think Vincent is totally whack, he's not mentally stable...

Heidi: This week you will be designing outfits out of meat!

Designers: o_O >_< O_o O_O x_x >_< O_o

Tim: Welcome to Project Meatway!

Designers are given $140 and a Kroger Valued Shopper card that steals their personal identification in order to send them a hundred crappy coupons every week for stuff they don't want to buy.

Designers lug back piles of stank meat to the design studios.

Kayne sings an aria from the Broadway production of "Sweeney Todd".

Vincent attempts to make earrings out of a pair of chicken livers.

Jeffrey is doing interesting things with USDA stamps and expired hamhocks.

Laura admits she is pregnant with her 19th child.

Uli is braiding some bratwursts.

Tim comes in, is skeptical.

Jeffrey: *rude surliness* I was hoping we would get to design something out of vegetables this week. These people lack my superior artistic vision. I am an ex-homeless ex-junkie neck tattoo'ed guy! I make meatsuits for the rich and famous. This is beneath me. I will win the show.

Tim: Steak, it's work.

Vincent: I love headcheese, it turns me on, I really get off on it.

Tim: Hmm. I just don't know.

Kayne: Too bad Bradley got auf'ed, he could make his outfit out of squid. Or eagle. *examines the irridescent gleam on a slice of somewhat elderly ham* Shiny! I love it!

Viewers: We feel compelled to make portmanteau names out of two total stranger's names, constantly, and feel CHEATED that Kaybert, I mean Robayne, got AUF'ed!! WAH!!

Kayne: Shiny.

Tim: I really like this! Good work.

Michael: They will expect me, a proud black man from The ATL, to make an outfit out of fried chicken. I will defy their foolishness! No chicken!

Tim: This concerns me.

Uli: I vould really like a beer to go mit all zis vurst.

Angela: I'm thinking that I will put some twirls of turkey loaf along the hem, here. Lots of twirls. Lots and lots. And I will make some fringe out of crablegs. Is crab meat? I think it's meat. It's so elegant, just like Audrey Hepburn. Ooh, rack of lamb. Just the thing for my skirt! I love, love, love patchwork, so I'm going back to what I know.

Tim: It may be a bit much.

Laura: *badmouths everyone* Hey, I'm pregnant. Maybe my hormones are making me act like Bad Mommy! Don't hate me. Hmm, how low cut can I make this A-line dress? Will the roast beef slices look tailored on the Meatway?

Viewers: Yawn, yawn, yawn. What would Santino do? WHERE'S ANDRAE?!

Tim: Okay, designers! Carrion!

Models come in and complain about how they are vegan, then go outside and smoke ten cigarettes and do some coke off the slick patent-leather surface of Nazri's Kate Spade purse.

Heidi: Okay, designers. Six of you will be in, and one of you will be out. Let's start the show!

Kayne's model parades down the runway in a frock made of ruched deli turkey slices decorated with pepperoni dots.

Judges: We love it! So original!

Kayne: And the pepperoni, secretly, is also turkey. In case the model is watching her figure or something.

Judges: You can tell he really put a lot of thought into his design.

Laura's model appears wearing an A-line confection constructed out of proscuitto and melon.

Judges: So elegant! But you're in the bottom three. Melon, while a logical accompaniment to proscuitto, is not a meat.

Michael's model storms the stage in a smart hotpants outfit constructed entirely out of chitlins, T-bones and a wrap braided out of thin pastrami slices.

Judges: Fierce!

Heidi: I'd eat that. And, as we all know, the biggest criteria on this show is "would Heidi eat that?" And I would.

Michael: I think this outfit channels the spirit of Foxy Brown, who was one badass chick.

Uli's model slinks down the runway adorned in an empire-waisted frock cleverly constructed out of braided strings of bratwurst and kielbasa.

Judges: That Uli has such a way with patterns.

Tim: The braidwork is really exquisite.

Nina: It's very well-constructed. I really, really, really care a lot about that.

Angela's model appears wearing a dress made entirely out of rack of lamb. Each little bone has a frilly paper rosette cap attached.

Michael Kors: Tch. The granny circles again.

Heidi: So eccentric. She's so inconsistent. Every week she makes clothing out of meat with a bubble skirt or rosettes, and we act surprised each and every time.

Jeffrey's model scowls down the runway in a dress comprised of two slices of ham strategically placed over each boob and a skirt made entirely out of cooked and uncooked bacon strips.

Nina Garcia: Her tootie is showing, how vulgar.

Heidi: But I like bacon!

Guest Judge: EAT MOR CHIKIN!

Heidi: I totally agree. Moo!

Vincent's model levitates down the walkway draped in organ meats all stapled together. Cow tongues function as shoulder straps. Vincent has also cleverly places a sirloin atop his model's head.

Nina: I was so distracted by the steak on your model's head, I could hardly notice how cute your kidney and liver dress was, Vincent!

Heidi: What were you thinking? That's weird, not cute.

Guest Judge: EAT MOR CHIKIN!

Nina: It's unanimous, we hate the steak cap.

Heidi: Kayne, you win for your madcap outfit with the cute little pepperoni dots. Uli, you almost won again! But...denied. So sorry. You're in, you can leave the Meatway.

Viewers: Yay, pepperoni! Yay, Kayne!

AUFed Robert: I would have made something boring out of salmon.

Viewers: We heart you, Kaybert!

AUFed Malan: *Britesque accent* My mum never made me any meat dishes. *sobs*

Viewers: We heart you, Malan!

AUFed Bonnie: Which one was I, again?

Viewers: We heart you, Malan!

Heidi: Vincent, there's a fine line between creative and bizarre. Keep exploring it each week, you're great for our ratings. You're in. Jeffrey, you're AUF'd. Ham is not a brassiere. You showed a lack of taste.

Jeffrey: You all suck. I rule. I am the greatest. This was all done in the 1980s anyway. Meat is so passe as an art supply.

Kayne: I won, I won! I'm as happy as can be!

Viewers: We love Daniel Vosovic. What? What?! We can dream.

Heidi: Next week on Project Runway...another crazy challenge with a kooky theme, unconventional models and materials, a low budget and an unreasonable deadline. Yay woo! Ta-ta!

Are you smarter than the average American?

1. Name a country that starts with the letter "U".
A. Yugoslavia
B. Utah
C. Utopia
D. United States of America
E. United States of America, Uzbekistan, Uruguay, Uganda, United Arab Emirates (which includes Umn Al Qaiwain), United Kingdom, Ukraine

2. How many sides does a triangle have?
A. Um, four?
B. Five
C. One
D. It has no sides
E. Three

3. Who won the Vietnam War?
A. We did
B. Were we in the Vietnam War?
C. Whut?
D. South Vietnam
E. North Vietnam

4. What is "collateral damage"?
A. A movie
B. Uh?
C. Damage intended for an enemy which happens to hurt or injure allies or your own troops
D. i frag j00
E. PWN3D

5. Who took office after President Kennedy was shot?
A. Carter
B. Johnson
C. Roosevelt
D. Nixon
E. Ford

6. What state is the White House in?
A. Washington
B. Philadelphia
C. Pennsylvania
D. Virginia
E. Maryland
F. *Nerdy answer about districts and states goes here*

7. Can you find France on a world map?
A. *puts map flag on Australia*
B. *puts map flag on Nigeria*
C. No
D. Aren't we calling that "Freedom" now, or something?
E. *puts map flag on France*

8. How many sides does a square have?
A. Five
B. Two
C. Four
D. It doesn't have any sides
E. Pi are square

9. What part of speech indicates "active voice" or "passive voice?"
A. Adjectives
B. Verbs
C. Nouns
D. Adverbs
E. Conjunctions

10. A "surge protector" guards against unexpected surges in what?
A. Electric current
B. Flooding
C. Buyer's Remorse
D. Lack of caffeine
E. Sexual harassment

11. Which of the following is the largest?
A. A peanut
B. A monkey
C. A tennis ball
D. The moon
E. An elephant

12. What is the everyday name for "trachea"?
A. Breastbone
B. Funny bone
C. Windpipe
D. Kneecap
E. Adam's apple

13. Which of these revolves around the Earth?
A. The Moon
B. The Sun
C. Earth
D. Venus
E. Pluto

14. What is a "mosque"?
A. An animal
B. A girdle-like garment
C. A hat
D. A place for religious rites
E. A country in Africa

15. Who is Tony Blair?
A. An actor
B. A skater
C. A politician
D. Iron Man!
E. That guy who shouts on commercials for cleaning products

16. Tuna is chicken. True or false?
A. It says "chicken of the sea," T
B. Tuna is a fish, dumbass, so F
C. I'm confused
D. Can I ask Nick Lachey?
E. Who is Nick Lachey?
F. I am ashamed that I know who Nick Lachey is. Help me.

17. How many months in a year have 30 days?
A. Five
B. Seven
C. This is a trick question. Eleven.
D. This is a trick question. One.
E. Twelve

18. What continent is also a country?
A. All of them
B. United States
C. Japan
D. Australia
E. Antarctica

19. What currency do they use in England?
A. Dollars
B. Queen Elizabeth's money
C. Euro
D. Pound
E. Lsd

20. What currency do they use in Ireland?
A. Punt
B. Irish Pound
C. Euro
D. Dollar
E. Bragh

21. What is the predominate religion in Israel?
A. Israeli
B. Catholic, probably
C. Muslim
D. Jewish
E. What is predominate?

22. Fire is hot. Y/N?
A. What kind of fire are we talking about?
B. Let's find out.
C. Not if it is made out of tissue paper.
D. Yes. Yes, it is.
E. What is fire? Did we invent it?

23. Do they speak Latin in Latin America?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Si
D. Agricola
E. No one "speaks" Latin anymore.


The video that spawned this rant is here. Follow links to related ones to see more cringe-worthy idiocy. Now, I'm the first to give people some slack for being camera shy, put on the spot, nervous, asked something that has no relevance to their daily existence...but honestly, there's a limit to the excuses I can make.

DangerouslyIrrelevant.Org has an interesting counter argument (in short, why should we bother to learn anything that can be looked up within seconds online?) but I (mostly) disagree with it. Some basic knowledge should be KNOWN, darn it. A power outage or lack of computer or library access shouldn't render your ability to answer basic questions null and void.

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel thought it would be fun to have local teachers create a twenty-question quiz on stuff fifth-graders ought to know. Here are the questions from the quiz, each of which is hyperlinked to the Google search results for the question text:

1. What is a hyperbole?
2. Which chamber of the heart receives blood from the lungs?
3. Is the equator a line of latitude or longitude?
4. What is a mixed number?
5. What organ in the body produces bile?
6. What kind of a root is a carrot?
7. Nomadic tribes of American Plains Indians lived in what structures?
8. What did American Indians of the Northwest coast use to symbolize their clan and tell family stories?
9. Which is larger: 3/5 or 5/8?
10. What are the three branches of the United States government?
11. What are the names of the five Great Lakes?
12. How many hydrogen atoms are there in a molecule of water?
13. "You are as strong as an ox." Is this statement a simile or metaphor?
14. What part of speech is "after": An adverb, conjunction or preposition?
15. Who invented peanut butter?
16. How many pints are in 2 gallons?
17. How many feet are in 9 yards?
18. What part of speech describes a verb?
19. What is a proper noun?
20. What is something found on a plant cell that is not found on an animal cell?

Go ahead. I dare you to compare the Google search results to the quiz answers. For nearly every question, the first or second Google link has the correct answer. In most instances, you don’t even need to click through to the actual web site. You can just read the short blurb for the link on the Google results page. [Also, note that question 14 is a trick question and that the teachers’ answer to question 20 may be incorrect (I think it should say chloroplasts, not cytoplasm).]

So now we’re not only spending all this time in school making kids memorize stuff that literally can be found in mere seconds, we’re actually making game shows out of it (like we’ve always done) and framing it in such a way so that grown-ups feel stupid if they don’t remember information that most adults never need to keep in their heads. Let’s be honest here: when is the last time you really needed to know the names of all five Great Lakes, whether or not animal cells have cell walls, or who invented peanut butter?

Okay, let's take the last three questions as an example: did I NEED to know those things? Perhaps not. But I DO know them. My recall is not limited to waiting around for my dial-up connection to access the Internet. If someone asks, I can answer, even if there's no computer in the room! Yay! (If you want to test your recall, I'll even give you a hint about the Great Lakes: HOMES.)

Should we blame the media for increased stupidity? Are Americans more stupid than the rest of the stupid people in other countries? Is the US public school system to blame? Nah, not one of those assumptions explains it fully. But certain people could certainly stand to read more books or PAY ATTENTION or something. You can choose not to watch the most stupid programming possible on cable, too.

How to figure out you have been watching a stupidity-enhancing channel on the TV

1. You are considering buying a male enhancement product that is too coy to use the word "penis".

2. You have started to loathe marimbas, and, by extension, all Carribbean music.

3. You have exhausted your feminist outrage and can only flail and squeak impotently when yet another "Girls Gone Wild" commercial airs.

4. When someone says "New York," you think of self-absorbed stupid black women first, and anything else at all next.

5. Everything is presented in list format.

( More stupidity signals )

This is why I watched a whole hour of flight attendants arguing on a news channel the other day. Boring legal testimonies were actually soothing compared to the usual nonsense. I learned something. Not ONCE did a dancing Walter Cronkite prance across the screen to urge me to stick around for a potentially life-saving and very important news story ("Parents Who Let Their Children Drink Lye, News At Eleven," or "What People You Do Not Know Personally Should Be Allowed To Do With Their Own Wombs, vote in our online poll!" or "Intelligent Design: Has Ben Stein Lost His Ever-Lovin' Mind or What? Our Pundits Think You Want Us To Give You Your Opinions...NEXT!").